


Avoiding a Close Shave

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Grooming, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-29 19:59:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3908707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers discover details about Tony Stark's personal grooming that extend beyond the goatee.</p><p>(Imagine this set in a 'verse where the Avengers stayed in the Tower, and none of the movies after the first Avengers film took place.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Avoiding a Close Shave

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"Sir," Jarvis announced as Tony made his way along the 'car wash', "Your personal groomer arrived an hour ago."

"Oh, yeah, that was today, wasn't it?" The last piece of armor retracted into the floor. Tony kept walking. His clothes were sweaty underneath, and he tugged at the collar of his t-shirt.

"Indeed it was, sir."

"It was easier to remember when it was every two weeks." Tony headed to the bar, where the rest of the Avengers were already having refreshments. Fighting flying flame-throwing octopoidal creatures for most of the morning gives a person a thirst.

"Your barber comes here every two weeks?" Clint asked.

"Huh? No," Tony poured a bourbon and had a few swallows before continuing. "Pedro from Shave of Beverly Hills taught me basic maintenance of this masterpiece." Tony did the evil villain beard stroke with his free hand. "I go to him whenever I'm in California, and sometimes we video conference if there's a disaster."

"Disaster," Steve said. He looked out at the assorted smoldering patches of the city.

"Yeah, like the time I shaved off the jawline after a rough night." Tony finished his drink. 

"Oh, that kind of disaster," Bruce remarked. He was leaning heavily against the bar, and holding onto a steaming cup of coffee with both hands. "I can see how traumatic that could be."

Tony pointed at Bruce. "Yes! This is the face that's launched a thousand product lines."

"And fueled any number of nightmares," Natasha said. She was having a cherry Coke, with lime, just to mess with Tony's mind, because he kept buying expensive Russian vodka and liqueur for her.

Thor looked up from his pitcher of boilermakers. "It is incumbent upon a man of some repute to maintain his appearance." He nodded and ran his hand over his own face, approving the rasp of perfectly trimmed stubble. No one asked how he kept five o clock shadow around the clock. He was a god, it probably came with the territory.

"Right. Anyway, I used to get manscaped by shaving every two weeks, but the itch when it grew in... nah. So now I go with hot wax. It lasts longer, and doesn't give me a rash. I like their Strip Berry Strawberry Wax. I've been trying to get them to come up with a blueberry, but they say there's not enough interest in it."

Steve coughed. "You're talking about polishing a car, right?"

Tony rolled his eyes. "I never had much of a chest rug, but with this," Tony said as he tapped at the arc reactor, "I need to keep it really clean. And it looked _weird_ if I just had the chest done. So now I get a Boyzillian." He grinned. "The extra 'optical inch' doesn't hurt, but mainly it keeps me more comfortable in the suit. Nothing to get caught in between the plates if I have to suit up in a hurry.

"Look, Mr. Todd's been waiting, and it's not a good idea to piss off the guy who's gonna be using hot wax on my junk and I've got to shower first, so I'll see you later." Tony waved at the Avengers as he walked out of the room. "Jarvis, I hope you apologized for the octopuses and sent up a snack basket while he was waiting."

"Of course I did, sir," Jarvis replied.

"Hot wax?" Steve repeated. He looked uncomfortable. "Down there?"

Clint shrugged. "I never went that far, but a quick skimover with a beard trimmer never hurts. A little less lawn makes the tree look taller. And women like it."

Natasha smirked at him. "It's become commonplace since the 90's."

"It's not exactly an essential part of daily life, and I doubt many people can afford Tony's regimen," Bruce said, "But yes, a lot of men and women in the U.S. now have the hair in the pubic and perianal region regularly removed. Back hair, chest hair, underarm hair-- a man can groom and trim all those areas today. It's not unusual." He drank some coffee. "Personally, I don't bother." He looked wistful. "Betty used to like my chest hair."

"Why?" Steve asked. "I mean, it's..." He suddenly looked startled. "Do people think I wax my chest? I just... I never had any hair there!"

Thor looked troubled. "Do you think Jane would prefer it if I were smoothly shaven? I should hate to think that I had been less than a considerate lover."

Natasha said, "Believe me, Thor, Jane has no complaints."

Thor smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this [ Prompt](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/13316.html?thread=30788612#t30788612) but it veered a bit, because research made me think of options I felt suited Tony even better.
> 
> Note: This quote is from an interview with Robert Downey, Jr. _What’s the secret behind his signature Tony Stark facial hair? One word: Pedro. On the set of Iron Man, a man named Pedro from Shave of Beverly Hills was brought in to sculpt the perfect Tony Stark goatee. “I mean, this guy’s an artist. He’s like the Edward Scissorhands of Mustaches and Beards,” Downey said._


End file.
